Wonderful New Technology

Readers of The Ram’s Horn will know that it is our practice to publish only reports from identifiable and trustworthy sources. The following press release is something of an exception. It was passed to us by a source we cannot identify for their safety and job security, but we think you will agree that it is typical of industry hype and promises and appears to be authentic.

Announcing the release of Roundup Ready Dandelion

St. Louis, Mo, 31/7/18 – The common dandelion (Taraxacum officinale) may be a weed to some (the common name in French is piss-en-lit), but it promises to become a powerhouse for innovators in the food sector. The young leaves are in much demand as a salad green among high-end chefs; the golden flowers are prized to make a delicate wine; and the roots are widely used in food and beverage processing for their exotic almost-coffee flavour, as in delicious organic dandelion ice cream.

To serve the producers and users of this crop, we are excited to announce the widespread release of RoundUp-Ready (RR) dandelions. No longer will growers be faced with dead dandelions every time a neighbour sprays a crop or enhances a lawn. As is standard in our industry we consulted widely (with 3 Italian wine makers and one ice cream producer) in the process of perfecting this technology. In addition, our stakeholder consultations have not produced a single voice of concern. Our extensive research has uncovered no scientific papers contradicting our own research findings; in fact, our rigorous trials demonstrate that the seed will not travel beyond the farm. Our trial results show that 83.45% of the RR dandelion seed comes with shorter wing feathers than conventional varieties; trials of blow balls in windy outdoor conditions are forthcoming.

Furthermore, insects which could be vectors of cross-pollination with conventional dandelions can be readily controlled through regular applications of neonicotinoids. This is what we call a sustainable, integrated solution.

Farmers and gardeners alike will enjoy the control and predictability this new technology offers for their management practices. Further developments of this technology promise higher yields for farmers and increased root size, of particular interest to commercial growers, and opening new opportunities even beyond the food sector. Our scientists are improving a variety that yields a milk similar to that of the rubber tree. This newly improved and enhanced variety promises to liberate the world from dependence on east Asian latex fields and provide a reliable source of non-rainforest latex for world markets. It also promises to cure cancer.

Illustration: Piss-en-lit in action

Our commitment to growth of the industry is demonstrated by these innovative solutions which promise farmers a whole new suite of advanced technological tools to meet new and expanded market demands.

Visit your local dealer for samples of our seed. Save on planting expenses by opening the package aggressively on a windy part of your field. For farmers not interested in this product, we advise you to arrange a visit from our teams of lawyers who are already getting calls about illegal growing of our proprietary patented seed without a contract.